The Perils of Perfectionism & What to Do About It

By Jenna Ladd, NCC, LMHC

Identifying as a “perfectionist” in contemporary U.S. society can be like a badge of honor, but there are negative effects of perfectionistic tendencies that deserve our attention. First, let’s clarify the definition of perfectionism: Perfectionism is defined as “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable” (Merriam-Webster). This is not to be confused with contentiousness or wishing to do one's work or duty well and thoroughly. Striving for excellence? Awesome. Striving for perfection? Not so much.

How can I spot perfectionism?

People who have more perfectionistic tendencies tend to

• have unrealistically high standards for themselves or others
• magnify failures and minimize successes
• have an immense fear of failure or mistakes
• believe that they are not accepted by others
• fear that they will be unable to cope with mistakes
• think in all-or-nothing terms (i.e. either I am a success or a failure)

The tricky thing about perfectionism is that it can serve a person well for a time. Perfectionistic students are often praised for their tireless devotion to their studies; perfectionistic employees who work long hours might be promoted or idolized. However, the demands of personal and professional life will eventually exceed a person’s ability to cope and achieve “perfection.” This can cause the individual to experience symptoms of depression or an anxiety disorder.  

What if I’m the perfectionist?

If you’ve been nodding enthusiastically while reading about the characteristics of perfectionistic people above, you may be wondering what to do about it. Here are some strategies to consider:

• Try not to judge your perfectionism. These thoughts and behaviors have likely been established for a long time, so adapting new patterns will be a process, try to be patient with yourself.
• Consider how you are talking to yourself. What does your self-talk sound like after making a mistake? If you would not say it to your best friend, spouse or child, it is probably too harsh. Try speaking to yourself as you would to a loved one.
• Remember that most things exist on a spectrum. Try to catch yourself in black and white or all-or-nothing thinking patterns and reconsider. No one is 100% a failure or 100% a success, most of us are somewhere in the middle.
• Make a small mistake on purpose. Perhaps you could turn something in that is not completely up to your standards or maybe you could under-season dinner tonight? Notice how you can cope with a small mistake and how life carries on.
• Seek professional help. If you think that your striving for perfection is causing excessive stress or interfering with your ability to enjoy life, please reach out to us. Our professional counselors would be happy to help.  

How do I support my perfectionistic child?

Perfectionistic patterns are often established during childhood and adolescence, so it’s important to encourage more flexible thinking patterns and behaviors from a young age. Parents and trusted adults of budding perfectionists can:

• Frame mistakes or failure as an exciting opportunity to learn.
  
  Instead of, “What a bummer, we messed it up.”
  
  Try, “We get to try this again, I wonder what we’ll learn together!”
  
  
• Praise the process, instead of fixed or inherent qualities.
  
  Instead of, “This project is fantastic, you are so smart!”
  
  Try, “This project is fantastic, I admire how hard you worked on it!”
  
  
• Model positive self-talk when you make mistakes.
  
  Instead of, “I can’t believe I missed that appointment. I’m such a scatterbrain!”
  
  Try, “I missed the appointment. I’ll mark the next one in my calendar, so I’ll be sure to get to it.”

Jenna Ladd,
NCC, LMHC

Especially in the recent months, it is difficult for anyone to feel like they’ve got it all together. Now more than ever, compassion for ourselves and others is imperative for mental well-being.  If you feel like your tendency to expect perfection from yourself and/or others is making it difficult for you to complete tasks or enjoy life, please contact Mercy Family Counseling and EAP at (319) 398-6575 to schedule an appointment with a professional counselor.